Hi everyone, you’re probably wanting to check in on me and I wanted to post an update or something. Uh, so let’s see. There was that whole post that talked about how I got stuck in my car for a few years, and so forth.
I wanted to talk about something else today. I used to have all these friends, and all this family, that I could call up whenever, talk to whenever, and so on and so forth. And I understand exactly what happened to that. Something happened that was kind of like… there was some sort of catastrophic collapse of all of my relationships that were stacked on the foundation of my home life.
I want you all to know that I miss you all very much, and that I am simply not sure how to communicate with everyone after what I’ve been through. The simple matter is this. I grew up basically without a stable or reliable mother in my life – she was good when she was good, but she would go bad very quickly. I spent time with her in the summers and would visit in the winter, and then after I turned 18 it just kind of got bad. Over time our relationship got worse and worse and we just stopped talking… rather I stopped talking to her because it was too hard to bear getting dropped over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. If it says anything about the amount of effort I tried to put into keeping things good, happy, healthy, etc.
Unfortunately there is only so much you can do.
For a while, I relied on my father to provide a stable family foundation, which he did, for many years. When I turned 19, he married a woman as he retired from the military who turned him away from me and pressured him to remove me from his life. After so long I was not allowed to come home anymore because they would not tolerate my differences from them and I believe they were looking for opportunities to push me out of their lives in the same way I’ve experienced at jobs where there’s “not a good fit” and so forth.
So essentially, when that happened, and when they refused to allow me to stay with them when I was in my hometown, living in my car in the freezing winter, I had to stop talking to them and move on with my life. I think my father is a yellow-bellied pansy and I have lost all respect for him and desire to have him in my life. There’s nothing like living in town, trying your hardest, living under a bridge in your car and trying to put a smile on your face, knowing that your father literally lives in the same town, has a spare room on the external part of his living space (literally right next to the front door), and is not willing to help you get on your feet with a place to live. The woman he married is for all intents and purposes a manipulative and dishonest woman who is hooked on psychiatric and pain medications, spends most of her time in bed, and is by all means completely and totally worthless. Has had no kids, never had any kids, and introduces my father to her fellow deadbeat friends. They are both basically deadbeats. That’s what happened.
When all of this stuff happened, that put a lot of pressure on my other family members. I am basically heartbroken from losing my parents in this way, and then I have to figure out how to put together my heart’s foundation and stability from this loss. I do not have the same foundation and stable vibe as a lot of them do, and was very delayed in my career as well. Yeah, failing medical school really put a damper on life as well… nothing like trying to start fresh from nothing at age 27 for the first time.
I mean we’re talking like… career timing issues, being totally out of sync with the rest of my friends and family… so much stuff was going on there.
I guess 3 years of homelessness was making good time for the amount of decompressing that I had to do. I’ve always been a very motivated individual, and when you’re going on all cylinders through college and into medical school, and suddenly have to face a circumstance like this, you really do continue to function in high gear (believe it or not). I never had any issues with drugs or alcohol or making “stupid decisions”, so to speak. I look back on all of my decisions during that time, including leaving the jobs that I left, and see them all as positive decisions and would *absolutely* make them again. 100%.
So I guess here’s what’s up. There’s a lot of folks I’ve been out of touch with. A *whole* lot of folks. There’s a whole bunch of aunts and uncles on Mom’s side that are probably wanting to like… connect in a good positive way just like how things were before and I haven’t been able to make it happen, like at all. I feel like I need to have a chat with Aunt Ginny sometime, and I can’t bring myself to do that with all the stuff I’ve been through and I want to make stuff awesome again. I haven’t seen or talked with my Aunt Sheila in a while, and have struggled to be as cool as I’d like to be to chat with Uncle Karl. I feel like I should have a chat with Uncle Steve… it’s been a long time and I just get this vibe like there is some good and awesome advice he could offer. I don’t know how to place it.
There was so much I missed, too. In late 2017, I lost 3 grandparents that I was very close to. My father’s father, my Grandmother and grandfather on Mom’s side. Life was so hard that even today I know for sure that I have not been able to fully comprehend and or process having lost them. It’s like… there’s this foundation that was supposed to be there, and I just don’t have it and I need it to be able to feel important things, like connection to people and so forth. I wish I could get back whatever I was supposed to have from my mother and father. That whole foundation they built for me got completely destroyed when they threw me under the bus in my 20’s. I wish they could understand that, and understand that it’s not normal or good to be distant from your kids in any way and I wish they could both understand what the foundations of family are supposed to *really* be like. I think my Mom understands, but struggles with some kind of mental illness that makes her like… turn on her kids on accident, maybe it’s the same thing going on with Dad as well… something pertaining to bad chemistry with the other parent or something like that… something that manifests itself when the child becomes an adult. I think that could be something there. Fuck that… that is such a bear.
Oof. So many friends and family I haven’t gotten a chance to connect with. I haven’t seen my cousins on my Paw-Paw’s side for a *really* long time!!! What the fuck!!!!! Mandy, Jeremy, Justin, it’s been *waaay* too long. I miss you guys so, so much. But I get it, I understand and all that. I hope you guys know that I miss you guys tons in spite of the stuff I’ve been through and the barriers my father put in place between me and the rest of the family. I didn’t get to see Paw-Paw for nearly 10 years before he passed away. My father simply would not take me up with him to see him… never would do it. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, but I know that there being a wedge between me and father was something just too foreign to Paw-Paw. I miss him so much and I wish I could have seen him and spent time with him as an adult with my father. I wish we could have gone fishing… that was like… that was a dream of mine that never got to happen. Hopefully one day in Heaven it will.
Greg, if you’re reading this – there are simply no words for the special nature of our brothership. You were the best brother-uncle I could have ever had. You have literally made me consider getting a tattoo just because it’s cool.. something I would never in my right mind have done before. I still don’t have one yet, and I think it’s because I’m waiting for a good time and day, perhaps when my skin is super wrinkly, for you to throw something cool on me. Just a thought. Dude, I miss you so freaking much. It’s been way too f-ing long. I know both of us have had some serious struggles, and I would say that now I really do understand the possibilities of the depths of struggle in life, something I really didn’t understand the last time we spoke or hung out. In life, the possibilities are so much crazier and bigger than I think any of us could have ever imagined. But if you’re like me, and I know you are in some ways, and your life has hit you like it did mine, which I think it did, then it is safe to say that you have become significantly stronger than you could have ever imagined, too. You are such an awesome dude and awesome friend. I can’t wait to see you again, and we will absolutely have to do some fun shit, like going to the DMV or something so unbelievably dull and boring like that that only you and I could make into a hilarious and memorable experience. I don’t think anybody else in the world could have made that fun like we did, but it was awesome. Remember that time we randomly drove to Kentucky and then just like… got out, walked around, and then turned back around?? Lol. Hilarious times. I miss ya so much bud!!!!!!!! Seriously.
I wish I could talk to Grandmom again. I don’t know where to start. There is so much I miss there, so much dearness. She was someone who was a loving grandmother to me when I didn’t have my mother nearby growing up. She cared for me to the absolute maximum of her ability. I know the stress of my own life is simply too much for her, and I can’t bring that back there. It’s just too much. I miss her so much, and it’s just not fair that the world had to give me the junk that it did and tear me apart from the rest of my loved family members.
Mike, I really appreciate you helping me out when I was down. If I could change anything, I’d get my foundation back in place so I could come visit for weekends every once in a while just for fun’s sake. I guess you guys kind of roll on a different vibe than me and so forth, but I know there’s also some pretty fun times to be had as well with family. I appreciate you guys and wish you all good and happy vibes.
Shaun Estep, you’re a super cool dude and I seriously miss you. I am about to go explore the world and have been thankful to have such a cool dude to follow example throughout my life. It has always been a great time and a pleasure to get to hang out with “Uncle Shaun”. Everything that is “cool”, I hope you know that I still absolutely pursue as much as humanly possible. *rock on*
Aunt Julia I just wanted to say that I *really* appreciated you chatting with me when things were first starting to get really rough. California was cool and I had a good time there. Things are starting to go really well!! I am totally making it as a data analyst, and I am a huge data nerd nowadays and all that cool stuff is stuff that I like to do. Instead of just thinking about that one time we all got drunk at Karl’s wedding and threw the tables into the pool, I try to think about all the other really cool and crazy fun things we could have totally done!!! I feel like I missed out on all the really fun awesome fun things that could have been like.. even more fun and awesome. Those are lots of words!!! Also that time we both were blowing farts on our arms when I was like 7. That was *cool*. Lol.
So!!!!!! I wanted to let you all know that I absolutely *have not forgotten* *at all* and I hope you all know I love you all *so so so* much and cherish you all so deeply!!! I miss you all in such incredible amounts and in the biggest way. I hope God will be able to put my foundation back together and help me get going well so I could be in touch with you all once more sometime. Sometime soon. I hope to be awesome. I miss you all so much.