(Sticky) For Family and Friends

Hi everyone, you’re probably wanting to check in on me and I wanted to post an update or something. Uh, so let’s see. There was that whole post that talked about how I got stuck in my car for a few years, and so forth.

I wanted to talk about something else today. I used to have all these friends, and all this family, that I could call up whenever, talk to whenever, and so on and so forth. And I understand exactly what happened to that. Something happened that was kind of like… there was some sort of catastrophic collapse of all of my relationships that were stacked on the foundation of my home life.

I want you all to know that I miss you all very much, and that I am simply not sure how to communicate with everyone after what I’ve been through. The simple matter is this. I grew up basically without a stable or reliable mother in my life – she was good when she was good, but she would go bad very quickly. I spent time with her in the summers and would visit in the winter, and then after I turned 18 it just kind of got bad. Over time our relationship got worse and worse and we just stopped talking… rather I stopped talking to her because it was too hard to bear getting dropped over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. If it says anything about the amount of effort I tried to put into keeping things good, happy, healthy, etc.

Unfortunately there is only so much you can do.

For a while, I relied on my father to provide a stable family foundation, which he did, for many years. When I turned 19, he married a woman as he retired from the military who turned him away from me and pressured him to remove me from his life. After so long I was not allowed to come home anymore because they would not tolerate my differences from them and I believe they were looking for opportunities to push me out of their lives in the same way I’ve experienced at jobs where there’s “not a good fit” and so forth.

So essentially, when that happened, and when they refused to allow me to stay with them when I was in my hometown, living in my car in the freezing winter, I had to stop talking to them and move on with my life. I think my father is a yellow-bellied pansy and I have lost all respect for him and desire to have him in my life. There’s nothing like living in town, trying your hardest, living under a bridge in your car and trying to put a smile on your face, knowing that your father literally lives in the same town, has a spare room on the external part of his living space (literally right next to the front door), and is not willing to help you get on your feet with a place to live. The woman he married is for all intents and purposes a manipulative and dishonest woman who is hooked on psychiatric and pain medications, spends most of her time in bed, and is by all means completely and totally worthless. Has had no kids, never had any kids, and introduces my father to her fellow deadbeat friends. They are both basically deadbeats. That’s what happened.

When all of this stuff happened, that put a lot of pressure on my other family members. I am basically heartbroken from losing my parents in this way, and then I have to figure out how to put together my heart’s foundation and stability from this loss. I do not have the same foundation and stable vibe as a lot of them do, and was very delayed in my career as well. Yeah, failing medical school really put a damper on life as well… nothing like trying to start fresh from nothing at age 27 for the first time.

I mean we’re talking like… career timing issues, being totally out of sync with the rest of my friends and family… so much stuff was going on there.

I guess 3 years of homelessness was making good time for the amount of decompressing that I had to do. I’ve always been a very motivated individual, and when you’re going on all cylinders through college and into medical school, and suddenly have to face a circumstance like this, you really do continue to function in high gear (believe it or not). I never had any issues with drugs or alcohol or making “stupid decisions”, so to speak. I look back on all of my decisions during that time, including leaving the jobs that I left, and see them all as positive decisions and would *absolutely* make them again. 100%.

So I guess here’s what’s up. There’s a lot of folks I’ve been out of touch with. A *whole* lot of folks. There’s a whole bunch of aunts and uncles on Mom’s side that are probably wanting to like… connect in a good positive way just like how things were before and I haven’t been able to make it happen, like at all. I feel like I need to have a chat with Aunt Ginny sometime, and I can’t bring myself to do that with all the stuff I’ve been through and I want to make stuff awesome again. I haven’t seen or talked with my Aunt Sheila in a while, and have struggled to be as cool as I’d like to be to chat with Uncle Karl. I feel like I should have a chat with Uncle Steve… it’s been a long time and I just get this vibe like there is some good and awesome advice he could offer. I don’t know how to place it.

There was so much I missed, too. In late 2017, I lost 3 grandparents that I was very close to. My father’s father, my Grandmother and grandfather on Mom’s side. Life was so hard that even today I know for sure that I have not been able to fully comprehend and or process having lost them. It’s like… there’s this foundation that was supposed to be there, and I just don’t have it and I need it to be able to feel important things, like connection to people and so forth. I wish I could get back whatever I was supposed to have from my mother and father. That whole foundation they built for me got completely destroyed when they threw me under the bus in my 20’s. I wish they could understand that, and understand that it’s not normal or good to be distant from your kids in any way and I wish they could both understand what the foundations of family are supposed to *really* be like. I think my Mom understands, but struggles with some kind of mental illness that makes her like… turn on her kids on accident, maybe it’s the same thing going on with Dad as well… something pertaining to bad chemistry with the other parent or something like that… something that manifests itself when the child becomes an adult. I think that could be something there. Fuck that… that is such a bear.

Oof. So many friends and family I haven’t gotten a chance to connect with. I haven’t seen my cousins on my Paw-Paw’s side for a *really* long time!!! What the fuck!!!!! Mandy, Jeremy, Justin, it’s been *waaay* too long. I miss you guys so, so much. But I get it, I understand and all that. I hope you guys know that I miss you guys tons in spite of the stuff I’ve been through and the barriers my father put in place between me and the rest of the family. I didn’t get to see Paw-Paw for nearly 10 years before he passed away. My father simply would not take me up with him to see him… never would do it. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, but I know that there being a wedge between me and father was something just too foreign to Paw-Paw. I miss him so much and I wish I could have seen him and spent time with him as an adult with my father. I wish we could have gone fishing… that was like… that was a dream of mine that never got to happen. Hopefully one day in Heaven it will.

Greg, if you’re reading this – there are simply no words for the special nature of our brothership. You were the best brother-uncle I could have ever had. You have literally made me consider getting a tattoo just because it’s cool.. something I would never in my right mind have done before. I still don’t have one yet, and I think it’s because I’m waiting for a good time and day, perhaps when my skin is super wrinkly, for you to throw something cool on me. Just a thought. Dude, I miss you so freaking much. It’s been way too f-ing long. I know both of us have had some serious struggles, and I would say that now I really do understand the possibilities of the depths of struggle in life, something I really didn’t understand the last time we spoke or hung out. In life, the possibilities are so much crazier and bigger than I think any of us could have ever imagined. But if you’re like me, and I know you are in some ways, and your life has hit you like it did mine, which I think it did, then it is safe to say that you have become significantly stronger than you could have ever imagined, too. You are such an awesome dude and awesome friend. I can’t wait to see you again, and we will absolutely have to do some fun shit, like going to the DMV or something so unbelievably dull and boring like that that only you and I could make into a hilarious and memorable experience. I don’t think anybody else in the world could have made that fun like we did, but it was awesome. Remember that time we randomly drove to Kentucky and then just like… got out, walked around, and then turned back around?? Lol. Hilarious times. I miss ya so much bud!!!!!!!! Seriously.

I wish I could talk to Grandmom again. I don’t know where to start. There is so much I miss there, so much dearness. She was someone who was a loving grandmother to me when I didn’t have my mother nearby growing up. She cared for me to the absolute maximum of her ability. I know the stress of my own life is simply too much for her, and I can’t bring that back there. It’s just too much. I miss her so much, and it’s just not fair that the world had to give me the junk that it did and tear me apart from the rest of my loved family members.

Mike, I really appreciate you helping me out when I was down. If I could change anything, I’d get my foundation back in place so I could come visit for weekends every once in a while just for fun’s sake. I guess you guys kind of roll on a different vibe than me and so forth, but I know there’s also some pretty fun times to be had as well with family. I appreciate you guys and wish you all good and happy vibes.

Shaun Estep, you’re a super cool dude and I seriously miss you. I am about to go explore the world and have been thankful to have such a cool dude to follow example throughout my life. It has always been a great time and a pleasure to get to hang out with “Uncle Shaun”. Everything that is “cool”, I hope you know that I still absolutely pursue as much as humanly possible. *rock on*

Aunt Julia I just wanted to say that I *really* appreciated you chatting with me when things were first starting to get really rough. California was cool and I had a good time there. Things are starting to go really well!! I am totally making it as a data analyst, and I am a huge data nerd nowadays and all that cool stuff is stuff that I like to do. Instead of just thinking about that one time we all got drunk at Karl’s wedding and threw the tables into the pool, I try to think about all the other really cool and crazy fun things we could have totally done!!! I feel like I missed out on all the really fun awesome fun things that could have been like.. even more fun and awesome. Those are lots of words!!! Also that time we both were blowing farts on our arms when I was like 7. That was *cool*. Lol.

So!!!!!! I wanted to let you all know that I absolutely *have not forgotten* *at all* and I hope you all know I love you all *so so so* much and cherish you all so deeply!!! I miss you all in such incredible amounts and in the biggest way. I hope God will be able to put my foundation back together and help me get going well so I could be in touch with you all once more sometime. Sometime soon. I hope to be awesome. I miss you all so much.

Love,
Shaun

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(Sticky) Update, 1/12/2019

Wow, it’s been 3 years since I’ve written a solid blog.

I have to tell you guys all about it. It’s been fking crazy.

How do I start???

I just don’t know how to start.

Let’s start here then.

For the last 3 years, I have lived out of a car and have had points where I am genuinely “homeless”. The truth is that my car was my home for 3 years (a Jeep Liberty), but recently it broke down and I was very thankful because it kind of forced me to get a place to live.

It’s hard when you’re in this situation. The money you end up saving makes you think that you need to keep doing it, because you’re making like… so much more money. And you’re living ok. But you forget altogether about the things you really need in your life, the joys of having shelter, the fact that it really is worth the investment to pay oh however much you have to pay for shelter every day if you have to (whether that’s $13, $20, $25, whatever it is it’s worth it. Hopefully)

That whole life was crazy. I am *so* thankful it is behind me. It hurt a lot to do this kind of thing, I mean like… I don’t know how I got stuck in it. Part of me wanted to see the whole world, well.. the U.S. anyway.. and I did but there was just… there were other elements to it. I couldn’t ever seem to find home for me. It was like that movie “North”, which apparently was extremely shitty and I remember it being kind of shitty anyway, well actually I think I really liked it when I was a kid now that I think about it. Why was North so bad? I don’t know. People write reviews on it that are super bad. It was kind of like the Nickelback of movies or something lol.

Ok. So back to whatever it was.

I lived in so many different places. I saw so many different things. I lived in San Diego, L.A., Knoxville, Fort Worth TX, Colorado Springs, Seattle WA, Irmo and Columbia SC, Chattanooga, Nashville… I saw so many different places, I visited like.. I mean my goodness I saw *so* much. I went to every big city in Texas – Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Dallas, El Paso, Waco, Abilene, Midland/Odessa, even Lubbock. Only one I missed was Amarillo up higher on the panhandle.

I saw lots of places in Colorado. I went through the mountains, visited Denver several times, went to Pueblo, Colorado Springs, and Grand Rapids. I drove to Portland, OR and then went to Seattle. I saw Western Montana, a statue of Pocahontas at a rest stop in South Dakota, Omaha.. I mean, tracking backward I went so many freaking places.

NYC, DC, all over in Florida including Jacksonville, Orlando, Miami, Key West, Daytona Beach, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Myrtle Beach, Charleston, Columbia, New Orleans, San Diego, L.A., San Francisco,

Like when I say I went everywhere, I went freaking EVERYWHERE. All over the freaking place. In the back of my Jeep. I saw *all* of it. Except for 10 states.

During this time, I learned how to pick up skills that would allow me to work doing what I love to do the most, and studied some things that have helped me to pick up work here and there. Most recently I started working these jobs as a freelancer, and have pretty much gotten locked in where I can pick up jobs as a reporting analyst just fine. I’d like to continue to work freelance and work remotely so I can get my ass out to Europe and start exploring out there. Not sure if I’d get a car or just stay in Hostels. Hard to say. Not sure if hostels are loud or what. Maybe I’ll just get a tent or something like that, and crash in a hostel every once in a while. If I pick up work in Germany, I literally don’t have to go back to the states to start working. I can literally apply for the damn thing right then and there, and get the visa I need to get while in country. How great is that??

I have a feeling that Europe may be in the cards in the near future. I’ve been needing to get out of the states for a long time. A big reason why all of this has been happening is because I haven’t been able to settle down. And that’s mostly because the culture of our women has become so unbelievably out of range of what I really look for. I have been truly unable to find any women who possess character or any of those “love” things I really want. All of the women I’ve seen in my generation have given into this whole ideal of … sheer brutal utter nastiness that I just have to get away from. I know it’s bad, and it’s sad, and oh well. But there just isn’t any more room anymore to get the things I need to get to survive, to be happy, to thrive, to have a family, etc. while keeping my dignity as a man anymore. And a lot of other men are saying it.

People have gone fking insane. We have a president who literally had 0 political experience completely win because he was up against a party that was going completely insane, and we had to put him in office because their rhetoric was so hard to beat, we needed somebody who could openly show that he didn’t give a single f**k about people, including women, who were bullshit and who said things like they were but could still be respected about it. And finding that in politics, well, you just don’t find that ever, at all anymore, because people like that are people like me, and people like me get pushed out of everywhere we go by people who do less, think less, care less, and who want nothing more than to have something for themselves, regardless if they are the best fit for it.

Let’s see. Where have we arrived? I’m thinking about where this blog should go next. We’ve arrived somewhere, I’m not exactly sure where yet.

Oh yeah!!!!

So the thing I’m most excited about right now is that I have *finally* gotten a place to live, at least for the next 2 months. It is *WONDERFUL*. I am so happy to have a bed in a warm room, with a projector screen and my laptop, on a comfortable bed with a memory foam topper, and a microwave and DISHES and like I can literally wake up and there’s a shower right there.

Things I have had to relearn how to do:
* Not sleeping in my bed diagonally (a habit learned from having to fit in the back of my Jeep for 3 years
* Using more than just one place, one bowl, one set of silverware
* Regaining a daily hygiene routine (like just having a single set of things to do all in the morning after you wake up, rather than doing them one at a time or when you need them)

Probably the hardest thing to fix is sleeping in my bed diagonally. It is seriously a “thing”. Every morning I wake up and I’m sleeping in a diagonal position. It’s something I actually have to *work on*.

So.

There is an update on my life here in 2019. I don’t know if I’ll ever post this publicly.

If you’re reading this, then I guess that changed.

Finding the Grind

So I’ve come to realize something – I very much lack in my own sense of “grind”. I try not to push so much against the grain. Lots of what I do is “with the flow”. And I try to ride the flow to generate momentum and pretty much peak out every weekend or so.

This is my typical week.

Monday – Friday though… I really don’t do all that much.

Well, sort of.

There’s a part of me that stopped working as hard as I could after medical school ended. When I couldn’t pass medical school, it made me so unbelievably depressed because I pushed so so hard at it for like 5 years straight, and all of that work got flushed down the toilet. It’s been just under 5 years now since I left medical school, which seems like a short period of time, but since then I have really lacked in the desire to push hard at something, or to “grind” at it so to speak.

Grinding is just as it sounds: grinding “against the grain”, for the sake of gain. It’s something I think all of my friends have found in their daily 8-5 grind, their typical schedules, and so forth.

I had a pretty good grind when I worked my last job, and learned a bunch in about 3.5 months. I worked out every day, lived in my Jeep, and went to work with clean clothes. I never let anybody know I was living in my car.

Yet even this kind of didn’t work out. Lots of women in the office started accusing me of random shit. All the women ganged up on me, as typically happens, because of my sensitivity and so forth. It’s so crazy just how bad that shit is. Women in the office just started accusing me of all this random shit and trying to do bad things to me, then blame it on me.

So all that to say, this stuff has all had a really extreme effect on my ability to “grind”, so to speak. I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to do when the people we are supposed to love turn their backs on me? It was the same behavior I see in the club, in the workplace. Was this just one bad experience? Or will I run into the same kind of behavior when working for a bunch of guys in the financial sector?

Regardless, something needs to happen. I need to find my sense of grind again. There are a lot of things that I could do even better, make more money at, and get going on. I am like… semi-skilled at all of these different things I could do better.

What I need to do is to find *me*. I need to find *me*, and I need to find my *own grind*. Something that is very distinctly me. I figure… if I’ve spent all this time developing myself and putting myself in this location that apparently *nobody* else is at, then I might as well grow from here and get bigger somehow.

And maybe if I get bigger I can work out some of the foundational issues on the way or whatever. There’s nothing better to fix a configuration than to have energy to fix it generated from momentum.

So ok.

Let’s figure some things out then.

What is it exactly that I need to be doing?

I will write out some things that I need to be “grinding” at, and then find a way to make that my “own grind”. And we’ll start from there.

Why Feminism Doesn’t Work (In My Best Words)

We are humans. Humans are made of men and women. Over time, we have established a “balance” that allows our society to thrive. This balance is our foundation. Like the circle of life.

This balance is primarily a balance of our human energies, which are measurable frequencies with wavelengths and amplitudes. As in music, energy too is meant to strike a “balance” of frequencies to maintain momentum.

As higher frequencies become more dominant, this balance becomes disrupted. In music, this is represented by the loss of overtones.

For humans, this disruption results in much more catastrophic circumstances.

This scientific phenomenon – the phenomenon of balance in sound – applies directly to our lives as human beings. Our human energy follows the same dynamics. Without balance, we lose our foundation, momentum, and drive.

Feminism, at one point in time, was a way to help women be who they were. Lots of women have skills that are useful. They are smart, they are talented, and they want to “be all they can be”. Feminism, at one point, was a very good thing because it helped extraordinary women be extraordinary.

In the late 2000’s, feminism ran into a *big* barrier. And that barrier was selfishness – an epidemic which quickly spread through young men and women in the millenial era, an epidemic which took greatness and replaced it with destructiveness. It happened quickly, and in mass with an unbelievable spread. With the concurrent spread of internet pornography and hypersexuality in men, feminism shifted towards this destructiveness as an answer to being constantly sought out for the wrong reasons.

It grew like a black hole. It’s now a movement that seeks to wipe out our entire foundation, and it’s spread like wildfire with an unbelievable core.

The feminists of the modern age will destroy us. They are not the great women I grew up with who stood for being great and being everything they could be. They are selfish, destructive, ruthless individuals who place a tremendous pressure on our society, and there are now a *lot* of them. Their energy is heavy and affects the people around them. Their vibrations have a gravitational effect, powered by a critical mass, and it’s what I’ve been running from for the past 3 years.

The girl that came through my hostel the other day was looking for a lot more than just … fun. And it’s par for the course. A single person just came through and wiped me out for days.

And this is typical.

I am absolutely sick and tired of being usurped in my life. It just keeps happening, over, and over, and over again.

Lies, deceit, manipulation, excessive promiscuity. It’s a warfare I’m not able to defend myself against.

I have to be faster.

Too Old for One-Night Stands

Red hair. It’s my weakness.

A girl came through here the other night that was very similar to a girl I dated back in 2014. In other news, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I dated Abbi. This girl’s name was Emii. Funny how that works. Names that end with i’s.

Emii was traveling with an asian guy who was slightly effeminate, straight guy, had a girlfriend, large nostrils, liked to watch Game of Thrones, actually fairly decent to talk to in retrospect.

I’ve been staying in a room until I can get my bank card sent to me. There was a guy in my last hostel that stole my debit card details, along with another girl’s and her cash. We were able to track him down though! With a lot of work and hustle, we got his ass arrested *that day*. It was super fulfilling. We took a crazy ass ride to the police station which involved driving on the wrong side of the road and almost hitting multiple groups of people and cars. French police are crazy, but *extremely* cool and in very obviously good shape. Their weapons are way cooler than our police. AK-47’s and an Axe.

In the meantime, I’ve been chilling here. Just waiting, wishing, hoping my bank card gets here. The folks here have been cool with me writing checks for my stay, although I’m starting to get cabin fever just a bit. It’s a lot more fun to keep moving, and that makes life really fun. Have been stuck here a bit.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah! Lots of good stuff. Lol, glad I’m remembering all of this.

So let’s talk about this chick then. Should I talk about this chick? Not even sure if I want to.

Lol.

Baguettes and Orange Fanta

And here we are. Traveling has been *really* great so far. I have met some amazing people and had some very great times. I don’t want to, and will not be returning to the U.S. for a while. The quality of people I’ve met so far is just so significantly beyond what is being produced in the U.S. I knew something was wrong, and it’s obvious now that my instincts were right.

It’s been 2 months on the road – although not really on the road. I’ve been staying in lots of different places and have seen lots of countries so far. Well lots of countries being 3 or 4 of them. 4 of them to be exact. 3 if you leave out the layover in Iceland.

Lots of something.

The something is this. There have been some *awesome* times had here. I can’t say where I am now, but where I am now has been the best. I love it here. It beats Hamburg, which was my previous favorite. It’s like an awesome place down here. I love it.

I’ve seen cool beaches with friends, had some wild and crazy times with a cool friend group, met up with folks and so forth, and have had a blast. I recently had my debit card stolen, and was able to help the police arrest a string robber who had been stealing other people’s cards for his own benefit.

Right now is a little tough though. I’m sitting here with about maybe 10 Euros left and a decent bank account that I can’t access. All my money is there, but I can’t get to it. Lol.

Having been in this situation before, I am feeling prepared and unstressed. Things always tend to work out. Although the barriers I’ve run into so far in the “fix” plan have been more than expected.

We’ll see how long it takes for my bank card to get here. In the meantime I’ve signed up for a bank account with an international bank which is based out of the U.S. Hopefully there will be something that works there, because I plan on traveling quite a lot more, and if I can get going on my work stuff, will be able to keep going for a while.

Still kind of wondering about AirBnB. Haven’t tried one yet, should try one soon or something like that. This would be cool.

Bought some cheese today. Was spoiled.

Let’s write down the story about the police car ride. Rode with the French Police to the police station to tell a story. Was really crazy. They are nuts when they drive. We almost hit like 15 people on the way over here. Not even joking. They are the coolest police I’ve ever seen. Like they are legit cool as fuck. Big ass guns, like way cooler than the guns the police in the U.S. have. By far. Lol. And everyone wants to say stuff about the Americans and guns and whatever, but the police over here literally ride around with AK-47’s and shit. In France. WTF. One of the guys had an ax. A fucking ax.

I haven’t had much luck at all with girls over here. It’s sort of like ending up as the beta end of the spectrum no matter what. It’s got something to do with my spaciness, I know it. I am spaced out all the time, I don’t have some kind of center, I just sort of exist on this wispy wavelength. I hear all the time that girls are surprised that I like them, or want to get with them, or whatever. I am good at hiding it or something.

I feel like it might have something to do with my walls. Like I have walls up from having been in the U.S. for so long. If I didn’t have those walls up, I’d probably be able to get into a relationship because I’d expose my emotions a little more. That might give girls something to go on, instead of me just being this sort of like… military byproduct or something like that. Life has kind of made me that way sort of.

-(edited)-

It’s hard to say if it’s “staying young” or what it is, but good God. It’s been hard. I haven’t had much luck with girls at all. It doesn’t feel like any of them want to have a relationship with me, or have a relationship at all, or any of those things. It just feels like all of them are trying to get something out of me or anyone else around them. If they do decide to pursue a relationship, it’s with a guy who is way out of their league because he has so much more stuff than they do, or so much more this and that than they do. It’s just so beyond unbalanced. Something’s happened, even here out here. That, or it’s just the girls who speak only English.

I wish I’d banged the English girl from the other night. Not sure what happened there. Just seems like they always trying to get something from me, leading me on, I see tits and ass everywhere but I don’t see anyone who is consistently wanting to connect. Nobody wants to slow down long enough to get to know someone, to get to know me, and so forth. It’s like… they have the same issues as the girls in the U.S., but they are at least nice about it. They are nice to people, they want to make friends at least. U.S. girls are just god awful in general, like they are just shit spoiled like rabid cats and don’t want anything and nothing makes them happy every and they just suck.

Literally no joke, like somebody invited me out to have drinks with a bunch of Americans and I was just like “I am not going to go out with a bunch of Americans. That literally sounds like the worst idea from this whole trip” or something like that.

So if that says anything. I’m seriously done with the U.S. because of what they’ve done to the rest of the world through tech culture and so forth. I have a strong feeling that the perpetuation of pornography and spread of sexuality through the internet and all of the dopaminergic shit and psychological after effects of associations and all the mess of this stuff from such an early age has made a *huge* gap between the sexes, so much so that young people are even getting rid of their genders to try to avoid whatever the fuck it is that’s been happening to them. It’s like they’re trying to come together and they feel that their gender has been a barrier to experiencing love with the opposite sex. Strangely enough.

What the fuck. Fucking hell.

About to eat some more baguettes and Fanta. Orange Fanta is life over here.

Peace out.

Man It’s Great Here

I just wanted to say that I really freaking enjoy it here. I am SO not coming back to the U.S.!!! It’s been over a month and I am so positive that I’ve found what I’m looking for, or at least have been trying to find for the past 3 years. The U.S. absolutely *does not have it*. Here does!!!!

It’s so wonderful here!!!

Here is why I like where I live right now.

1. Nice people
2. Chill people
3. Really cool shit!
4. Open-mindedness
5. Free to be a man here
6. No really – free to be a man here (can do stuff men like to do)
7. Naked saunas!!! Coolest thing ever!

Let’s go ahead and talk about #7 for a second.

Yesterday was by far one of the coolest days I’ve ever had. I spent like… over 3 hours at this sauna yesterday. It’s a big family pool, like where lots of people go – young, old, big, little, skinny, men, women, kids, everyone.

There’s this big area where you basically just get naked, and then you go and do sauna / spa stuff. It wasn’t super expensive by any means – maybe like less than 20 euro, and then you hang out up there for 3 hours. Every hour there is a big meetup in the main sauna where all the people go, like 100 naked people, men and women, and they heat the sauna up very high and put aromatic ice on the coals releasing mint smell, different smells that I can’t identify. SUPER relaxing.

I have never experienced this before, but I literally experienced levels of relaxation yesterday that induced hallucinations. My jaw was dropped so far, it was like my brain was just completely off for a second. I wasn’t under any drugs or anything like that – I mean this was literally a mind-altering experience brought on by sheer culture and energy alone. It was *amazing*!!!

What I’m finding is that I am not too often motivated to write online about this stuff, but if I find myself at a point when I’m *really* bored, or out of things to do, that’s when I end up writing about all the good stuff happening. Yesterday was just like… I mean I woke up this morning, looked at my phone, and I literally *looked better* – more attractive, like something with my eyes or something like that. The sauna and energy flow and all of it was just like. Wow.

Anywho, that’s enough talking about that.

In other news, last night I had some crazy ass dreams. I dreamed I stopped my father from killing himself with a shotgun in front of us, woke up crying, went back to sleep, dreamed that Shaq had died and then cried in the dream, had a dream I stole Hillary Clinton’s shoes and then got hunted down by the secret service in a Gamestop, and then told her she was a bitch, and then something like that

Crazy ass dreams last night

Also I gotta talk about something else too

I had another experience last night that was actually very worth talking about. So there’s this giant brothel here, like it’s got like almost 100 rooms or something like that, and you just walk around and meet people and talk to them and eventually some girl takes you into the room and then you bang and pay her like 50 euros or something like that. I’ve done this I think about 4 times now. Never really thought I’d be like… ok with it but had a couple of good experiences in a row and then was ok.

Last night I had another “bad” experience, so to speak.

It’s kind of made me think really hard about some stuff.

So the girls I was with when it was “good”, it seemed like it all went *really* well!! They wanted to stick around, talk to me, felt like they enjoyed it, everything was really super good and stuff. All of the girls have told me that they really like my energy, that they like that I am nice, kind, etc. and I think I understand. There are a lot of dudes that just go in there and I dunno. Bleh.

So last night, I’m with this girl, and it seems like it’s going well. She’s very nice, kind, etc., doesn’t try to charge me any extra, asks me questions about me, seems interested, and so forth.

We are getting into stuff or whatever, and then like.. I can tell that she’s like… detached. There was a connection when we were talking, and then when we were like… uh… you know… there was this disconnect.

I kept trying to get her to look me in the eyes, and I could tell there was just like… something up.

I finish, and I can feel her body reject my energy as I am finishing. It feels like I am hurting her, or that she is “hating it”, every time I release.

I talk with her about it afterwards, just like… say “you know, I can tell this is something like… your body is absolutely rejecting this”. She opens up to me a little bit and says that she does not connect with anyone here. She is closed off to everyone, she says that “she does not like it” and that just blew my mind.

I have never been with anyone before that “didn’t like it”. It made me feel like I did something that I shouldn’t have done, or I felt wrong about it, or something like that. I can’t explain it. It was like… the same feeling maybe somebody might get if they were raping somebody. The issue was that this girl was so good at being secretive about whether or not she was enjoying something, or okay with something, and so forth (up until I was finishing, that’s when the intensity made it obvious) that I literally just like… It was like I got roped into having sex with somebody that didn’t want me to have sex with them. Such a weird experience.

I don’t know how to place it today. She said she was from Romania. I think I am maybe going to avoid girls from Romania for a little bit. I know there are girls that I’ve been with in those places that genuinely did enjoy it, that had good energy, good vibes, and all of this, and I dunno. If I do go back, I want to make sure that I am finding somebody like this.

Honestly, what I’m really trying to do is just find a freaking girlfriend. That’s what I really want. A girlfriend. How hard is that to find anymore? I don’t know what happened!! Used to be so easy!! You would like a girl, and it would just happen.

I think there’s some issue where there’s not enough social support to support the relationships anymore. Because we are so disconnected, we don’t have that same support to push people together, help them to stay together, help them to get to know each other and root their relationship in stable ground.

I wanna say out here it may be different. I hope it is different. Maybe it is not. I think it’s not, I think the girls are just nicer, kinder, but still may not have the stuff that’s needed to keep a relationship going. A lot of the people here travel a lot, and that tells me quite a bit about their roots.

Anywho. That’s a lot of writing for now. I think I’m good.

Shew.

Cheers

Blogging Just Because

Well, I’m blogging just because. I am currently in a hostel, bored, slightly tired, off-schedule, and looking for some stuff to do. It’s 11:49 PM. The hostel is somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. The trains stop running at 12.

Love. I am still trying to find it. In a city where prostitution is fully legal and rampant, I thought that perhaps it might be easier to find love because women will know that I’m not just looking for sex. I’m starting to think that this is just another excuse or made up reason to avoid love – that many women can fully determine between someone who is looking for sex and someone who is looking for love.

There are a lot of things that I don’t understand about women because they are different than me. They act different, they are different, and they are *very* different in today’s time.

But it just goes to show that something is very different in today’s age. When I walk down the street, women don’t look at me in a way that feels normal. It’s like… I get this feeling that the mass majority of them have given into a lifestyle of just taking stuff from people, whether that be stuff, things, energy, any of it, and just literally taking it. Never giving anything back. I don’t feel loved, cared for, shown interest by, enamored with, desired, pursued for love, by anybody. It is as if the conquerors and the parasites, which now have become synonymous terms, have outnumbered the generators of the world.

Germany is better, but it’s still got the same issues. Women may not be as harsh or cold on the outside, but when you get down to their hearts, they are still running, avoiding, walled off, closed off, blocked, stealing without giving, and lack in romance.

I want to find romance. I want to find love. This is my goal in Europe, and I need to stick to it. It could be easy to get stuck somewhere, but I need to find somewhere where love is truly blossoming. Somewhere that hasn’t been touched by the death-touch of our smartphone culture. Somewhere truly free.

Denmark Fucking Sucks

Wow!!! I can’t believe how much I absolutely hate this place!!! IT is truly amazing. I never though it was possible that another place, a well-established country, could be *worse* than the U.S. But it is!! Copenhagen is like this super-expensive city where everybody gets up way too early in the morning and there’s this really *weird* pressure everywhere. Nobody has a sense of humor, all of them laugh way too hard whenever I do make jokes, and people have the most absolutely ridiculous rules of all time. Yesterday somebody kicked me out of a 7/11 because I was stretching my back and she said I “couldn’t do exercise” inside. All of the women here are even worse than the ones in the U.S. – they are thick-headed, and have drunk the “feminism” kool-aid even worse than the folks in the U.S. Is it worse than Seattle? I think it’s possible. The vibes here absolutely suck, everything just like… takes your energy out of you. I can’t wait to get out of here! It’s been only 3 days, and it’s all been terrible. All of the people have been just so… *super* lame. It’s like going to a world of parasites. Oh yeah, and get this – everything is SUPER expensive, like way more expensive than anywhere in the U.S.

Some girl from Iran gave me her number yesterday and I think she is trying to bang me, like right out. All very obvious vibes, that or she’s trying to string me along. Whatever it is, it was like… it was still kind of weird. She was cute / ok looking, but it was like… too seductive right off the bat. Even right now there is this girl who is sitting in my space with a bad attitude, putting out shit vibes, and trying to impinge / disrupt my energy. Nothing but parasites here. Ugh!!!! Fuck Denmark!!! This place was supposed to be cool.

I was much happier in Berlin, despite the drugs and sort of dirty scene. This place is clean to the point of being sterile. Nobody has a sense of humor here, and there is just so much bullshit here. Everything is way too expensive.

I honestly just don’t recommend coming here. It sucks. IT’s not the “happiest place in the world”. That is bullshit *for sure*.

Decisions

Lately my favorite go-to game has been chess. The thing I like so much about chess is that it really wakes you up to your everyday decisions. Every single moment of the day, you have a choice to do something that could make an impact on your life positively, something that could really add to who you are. Every single day we have a choice to do what’s best for us, to find the best for us, to surround ourselves with the very best things. Yet most of the time we just kind of space and go on autopilot. After playing chess, I found myself try to not to make much better decisions in everyday life to really maximize my situation.

I have to say that my mental state has *really* improved ever since I came to Europe. I am absolutely *positive* that I am not coming back. Let me say it again. I am not coming back. There is nothing in the place, that place, for me anymore. It’s that bad. I can’t even say the name of that country all the way over there. If it says anything about just how *incredibly* distant I feel from what’s going on there.

People here are nice. Nicer. Not all of them, but the nice people are much, much nicer here. I see so many happy people here, and it really says a lot. The folks in the U.s. have absolutely *no* idea just how bad they’ve got it. They are slaves! Slaves to the media, slaves to their country’s overwhelming urge to force their image into their minds, the urge to forcibly become relevant. The U.S. would poke fun and call Kim Jong Il posters in North Korea a form of propaganda, but when it comes to addressing that much, *much* more overwhelming psychological force that is the U.s. media, there’s nothing. People in the U.s. have *no* idea how bad they’ve got it. It’s fucked, it’s so fucked guys!!!!!

I’m not lying to you all. I just wish you guys could see it the way I see it, from the *outside*. You have to get outside of it just to see *how bad* it really is.

Anywho. I hope you all know. What you are experiencing is the strongest form of control any country has *ever* had on their. citizens. And the control exists right in your very hands. Right on your phone.

Anywho. So there’s that.

I am loving Europe, and I am *NOT* coming back. I don’t care what it takes, I will not board a plane without jumping off of it mid flight. Lol.

Everything is chill here. People are normal. Happy. Healthy. Not yelling. Relaxed. Cultured. Interesting. Not *that* snooty. Everything is absolutely tolerable over here. To some degree.

Berlin is cool. It’s not the perfect place for me, but it’s absolutely a start to getting exactly where I want to be.

All the music is cool here. People play cool music. Music that means something. Feels real. Feels like *music*.

I find myself, very slowly, “coming to”. I recognize the noisiness of my previous posting, and the nails-on-a-chalkboard feel of dissatisfaction slowly leaving. I’ve had urges to get back in touch with Uncle Karl to say things are cool after a recent message I sent.

But then I remember something. Something *really* important.

Everyone in the U.S. is subject to it. The epidemic. Noise.

And noise, for a musician, is not tolerable. At all.

A Brothel in Berlin

So. Brothels. An interesting topic to cover on the wide world of everything, where everybody knows who I am, what my name is, on my blog and all of that. I guess it’s just important to be yourself. At least I feel like it’s important to be yourself. And hey, why not talk about something that is a little bit taboo then.

So Berlin is an interesting city. It’s got this feeling hovering over it, however, that feels a lot like the vibe surrounding music festivals in the U.S. Everything is available, everything is here, you can get sex, drugs, whatever stuff you want that is typically illegal in other places very easily here. I’m not much of a drugs person, but strip clubs in the U.S. were a little bit of a vice of mine. It’s just how it goes when you are single, alone, and sort of are lacking in a family foundation.

So I figured, ok, why not. Let’s do this brothel thing. I’ve never done it before, there’s kind of an allure to it, let’s give it a go.

Went, and people were kind and everything, vibe was good, etc. The bartender explained to me in clear English what the establishment was, how it worked, everything like that. I said ok, found a decent/cute girl, and paid for a room and stuff.

And so forth and all of that.

I learned something important from this experience. There is a definitely difference between sex and love. I have never felt so distant from somebody during a lovemaking session (well, maybe not true lol sometimes you are just kind of spacing out while things are happening) but this was different. I have never felt that distant from someone during making love for the first time.

I honestly feel like the best thing I came away from during this was a really important experience that taught me something *very* important. I am *really* looking for something that is going to fulfill my *heart*, and sex is not it. I am *definitely* looking for love. That was what I figured out last night. There is no amount of physical activity that could fulfill the desire in my heart to find a woman and to share that love. That is what I am looking for, I want to *share love* with someone and start from there. That is the term I’m going to use, because it’s *really* accurate. It describes some kind of love that is truly “shared”, or reciprocated. If I can’t find that, if I can’t find that reciprocation, I don’t want whatever it is.

What worries me is that I feel there has been a huge surge for women to suppress their emotions and ability to love others based on the fact that there has been such a high demand for their love and/or attention through the internet, whether that be through sexual advances or whether that be through genuine interest in dating or dating apps or whatever. There’s a lot of filtering that has to be done now, a lot more than there used to be because those requests can now be sent out very quickly and rapidly.

For example, before the internet came around, people used to actually be “nervous” about asking a girl out.

Now it’s like… I mean you literally get on the internet, message someone, and see if they want to go out or meet up with you or get to know them or whatever. It’s so just like… straightforward. Almost to (not almost, we’ll say definitely) to a fault.

It is very safe to say that I am looking for *love*, and I now know that *for sure*. Last night was the best indicator I could find for that, just by how genuinely exaggerated the distance was between me and the person I was “with”, so to speak. Who also asked me if I had any cocaine once the session was over. Lol. WTF she was young!! (like early 20’s, had a kind looking face… what gives?? lol)

I guess I shouldn’t be laughing about that, because drugs and sex are such a staple here in Berlin. It really is. But love? That is definitely not to be had here.

So here’s the next step, and here’s what I started figuring out last night.

I know a *lot* of places where I absolutely will not find love.

Those places are as follows:
* Strip clubs / brothels
* Dating apps and other “instant” forms of gratification online
* Cities, big busy cities with lots of people, too many options, and not enough time
* Hostels, where people come and go all the time, here and there, fast fast fast.
* Anywhere in the states, where everything is just noise and yelling all the time, and you cannot hear yourself think.

This is a *really* good step in the right direction. I figured out if I can do this, then I can like… use a process of elimination strategy to put together the pieces and figure out what it is that I *do* need to do in order to find love.

So. That’s all for now. Time to get to work. (no, like my actual work which I am amazingly still doing remotely 🙂 !!!) #digitalnomad

Trapped by the Font I Write With

Title isn’t exactly what the post is about. I’d like to talk about something else.

Anywho. So I made it over to Berlin, and it’s been good so far. Today, however, I had the most. Like.. unbelievably shitty day. So I wanted to take some time to talk it out, vent about it, and try to feel a little better.

It’s safe to say that I am over here to find love. I feel like I haven’t been able to find love over in the U.S., and that this is what has been fully missing in my life. It’s been hard living without parental support or like having the ability to feel safe and/or comfortable as a member of a family. Usually most people have this kind of family support that can be shared throughout, but I just don’t have it and I wish I did.

Anywho. So reason today was hard. I’m feeling pretty good, I’ve had a solid day and am doing all the right stuff to take care of myself. Get a hostel, book in, all good to go. Go out to get some food, and I’ve got a table by myself in a restaurant full of women. I am literally the only guy there. The rest of the folks there: a couple of middle aged women, say age 40 or so, and two tables of four groups of younger women all having dinner with one another on a Sunday night. I’ve got the table in the center of the restaurant, and the owner lights a candle for my table (which was a really wonderfully kind gesture).

I can just feel the tension and the vibe in the room, and feel this hate and desire to control permeating the conversations in the room. Every conversation is pivoting off something that happened at my table, using words that were being used as buzzwords, doing things to get my attention and to demonstrate superiority, harshness, and hatred towards me. It just hurt. It was like… literally the exact same stuff trying to get away from in the U.S., except here.

So ok, fine. Have run into this before, it’s just like how sorority girls act in the U.S. I get my food and leave.

I’m walking back to my hostel, and start feeling a little better. I feel a little brave, and start looking at people on the streets in the eyes, etc. and have a happy, good face. I’m walking down the street and see a halfway cute girl. I kind of look at her with a good and ok look.

She fucking hisses at me. Literally hisses at me.

Looks me right in the face and fucking hisses.

You gotta be kidding.

Just not fair.

Then I get back to the hostel and go figure, now I’m bunking with two homosexuals who are cuddled up with one another in the other bed. They’re the only two people there. And they’re giving me shit vibes.

Go fucking fuck my life.

So anywho, there was that. I fucking a;sljfa;lskdfj;alksdjfl;kjsf god dammit. Ok? So there.

Do I feel better? Not really. But I will laugh at just how ridiculously shit this series of events was later. Try adding insult to injury with the homos in my room at the end lol. Gah wtf